(SCREAMING)
Is that a fucking mosquito?
Run!
(SCREECHING)
(GROANS) Fucking slimed me!
I'm not a goddamn runner!
I have flat feet and a super long torso!
Shit!
My skin is burning!
(SCREECHING)
CHERIE: What the hell?
You got 'squito saliva on you.
Scrub it, or you'll itch for a week.
Come with me if you want a larva.
You know, 'cause baby mosquitoes are larva, in the movie...
Whatever. Just let's go, so you don't die.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right. I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me? This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home. People are stupid and confusing.
Why do you let Tom Cruise do all his own stunts?
He's gonna get himself killed.
Mr. Cruise, if you're within the sound of my voice, scale it back.
You're the greatest entertainer ever.
I'm sure your beliefs are reasonable, too.
I haven't looked into it.
(PANTING)
(PEOPLE GRUNTING)
(EXCLAIMS AND GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
The winner of the house smoothie challenge is... Terry!
- Yes, biatches! I only use vodka! - What?
In what world does my hot meatloaf smoothie not win?
Taste it again! That's real ass butter, son!
(ALL SCREAMING)
- Eat meatloaf, monster! - Please, stop!
Jesse! What the hell happened to our Emily in Paris bodysuit?
Guys, I was undercover in the human suit when I overheard huge news!
There's a Ray Donovan cast reunion?
- No. - Then what the fuck, Jesse?
There I was, doing hard, investigative journalism,
on why humans like hummus, and then suddenly...
KORVO: Snore, skip to the end.
JESSE: I heard that our town might be listed by Parade magazine
as one of the ten nicest places to live!
And the judges are coming this week!
KORVO: Don't care! This is a horrible use of a flashback!
And our family was not invited to the giant town photo!
What the hell?
We weren't invited to something? Now, I fucking care!
Hold up. Everyone, hold your butts.
You're sure they're talking about the Solars, or was it the Kohlers,
those kitchen sink CEOs down the block?
Because last time I checked, this town straight up loves us.
We settled this with Nanobot Man.
Remember? The "people liking us" stuff?
And I'm basically the moral center of this town!
That's why I gave the mayor my Yum-Signal,
in case they ever need my vigilante services.
You're the moral center of dick. And Jesse, your sources suck.
Why are we paying for that journalism MBA
from Grand Canyon University?
It's true! People are afraid of us
'cause we're always zapping them into random things!
Zapping? Please. I don't zap. Name one time.
When you turned people who love dinner parties into bottles of wine.
Look at how tight my calves were.
And remember Terry turning Red Goobler's fiance into a rat?
Who is framing these?
That was a couple of losers who deserved it.
The idea that the entire town is scared of us is batshit.
Watch. I'll prove it to you.
See? The mailman is delivering our mail like he does for everybody.
From a safe distance with an LA Sparks-branded T shirt cannon.
What up, Franklin?
Please don't turn me into horsey sauce like you did to Doug,
who used to have this route!
Maybe Doug shouldn't have crinkled the magazines!
- I'm sensing a pattern. - (GASPS)
Those guys wearing Judas Priest shirts
crossed the street only after they saw us.
And this is why planes never fly over our house?
Harrison Ford has crashed into every yard
- on this street except ours! - (TIRES SCREECHING)
Did you guys ever notice how the Pupa only has away game play dates?
Wait a fucking minute!
Is that DoorDash guy delivering food straight to Kevin's door?
I thought the "Dash" was on us!
I always pick it up from the DoorDash HQ in San Francisco.
The ramen turns into a cold brick when I get home.
Fam, we gotta fix this.
I want that hot dash!
Jesse, you're always annoyingly preachy about kindness.
Teach us how not to be jerks.
First lesson, say please!
No! I'm the goddamn boss!
Put a dime in that know-your-place jar, you snizz.
(SIGHS) This ain't gonna be easy.
Hey, isn't this where we had
our Shlorpian sexual harassment training?
Who's that hot guy who ran it?
Real strong shoulders, like cum gutters on the roof,
- you know what I'm saying? - Listen up!
I only have 23 hours to teach you some empathy
before Parade magazine judges this town.
This is a paintball gun that represents our sci-fi race.
Repeat after me, I will not use this.
I need more paintballs, woman!
Please?
(BURPS)
Okay, Korvo. You're at a car shop.
And this mechanic's gonna tell you what's wrong with your car.
This piece of cardboard shit thinks he knows more than me?
We're just gonna listen to him.
You see, when the warning light goes on, that means there is a problem.
I know what a warning light is, cock-snot.
JESSE: Ah-ah-ah! Patience! Remember, he's just trying to help!
This here is your spark plug.
You want me to write those words down for you?
Bitch!
JESSE: Hear him out!
That'll be $300.
(SCREAMING)
Okay. Terry. You're in an Uber pool.
Wow! How frugal of me. I'm growing already.
JESSE: All you need to do is make it across the room.
Okay, I see what's happening.
These Red Sox fans are gonna yammer on about Beantown,
and you think I'll turn them into chowder or some shit.
But joke's on you, kid, because I love Boston.
That's why I got a "We Bought a Zoo" Matt Damon tattoo inside my lip.
So start her up, Jesse. Give me your worst!
Did you hear what happened at the end of Fast and Furious 10,
10 Fast 10 Furious?
Ah! No spoilers! Stop the car.
JESSE: Stay calm, use your words!
I heard Vinny Diesel steals a space shuttle.
Remove your mouth from your faces!
I couldn't believe they killed Hobbs.
I will burn every last Dunkin' Donuts in this hemisphere,
you Guinness blooded damn Apple hammers.
(GASPS AND SIGHS)
JESSE: Okay, we're gonna make this real simple.
Just order from the menu.
I'd like a grilled cheese.
- Please. - JESSE: That's the ticket!
Would you like mozzarella? American? Provolone?
Why would you do that?
Come on! Cheddar wasn't even in their top three!
(WHISTLING)
Jesus. This was the prison level.
You can still see the tally marks.
Oh, God, this guy only made it one day.
That's depressing.
Well, prisons in the time of The Duke? Yeah. But now, it's home.
Come on, you must be starving.
What the hell are we doing?
Do I need to remind you the last people we followed ate Joe Sanders?
Dude, that's the janitor.
He was one of the first people in the Wall.
- So? - So,
he must know how to stop the mosquitoes.
We did what we came to do. The power is on. Let's go home.
And put my baby to sleep every night
knowing that at any second a Dumpster Dracula could suck her dry?
Fuck that! Who knows how many there are?
Well, there's about 10 by your feet right now.
(SCREAMS)
(SQUEALS)
How do we kill them all?
You can't. I'll show you why.
(WHISTLES)
Hell, no. Absolutely not.
No goddamn respect.
No one listens, fucking bugs spitting on me and shit.
So, how'd we do?
You all failed miserably!
Uh, recount much?
Not one of you thought about another person's feelings!
The Parade magazine judges will be here in a few hours!
Whatever. Who cares if we're not invited?
I say we photobomb these losers.
Hard agree. What if we turn everyone who was shitting on us
into actual Polaroids?
- I can whip up a ray gun that will... - Brill, Korvo.
You leave me no choice.
- I invoke Taron Egerten! - (ALL GASPING)
- (COUGHS) - You're banishing us?
A Shlorpian can only invoke Taron Egerten once in a lifetime.
You can't just willy-nilly invoke Taron Egerten.
We did it the first day we landed, now we can't invoke shite!
- I invoke! - (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Don't do this, Jesse. Please!
AISHA: Banished Shlorpians must remain in the brainwashing room
for a full solar cycle.
A year?
Or until you assholes learn empathy.
A year?
Commencing sympathy re-education in three...
Two...
(ALL MOANING) Stop! No!
KORVO: Why is a puppy friends with an otter?
They don't share a habitat.
YUMYULACK: The rainbows! They burn my eyes!
Now everyone in town can be who they want,
without sci-fi messing up their life.
Okay, I think it's over.
Oh, no! Babies discovering bubbles!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, God, no, Marlo! Marlo! Get back here!
Not the aliens' house! Anywhere but the aliens' house!
Shit, shit, shit! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Hi there, neighbs!
Oh, God, I'm sorry! The leash slipped. Please don't tell Korvo. Oh, God!
You don't have to worry about my family anymore.
They're all hella locked up.
Have a fun day! (HUMMING)
Hey! Remember those dicks
who turned me into a gummy bear?
It was technically a Swedish Fish.
I tried to bone you in the gummy butt.
It was the second craziest 9/11 of my life.
Well, they're all locked up! We can be jerks again.
- (CHUCKLING MISCHIEVOUSLY) - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Jerks! - (HOWLING)
(ROCK CONTINUES MUSIC PLAYING)
(GIRL SCREAMS)
Jerk! Jerk! Jerk! Jerk!
(HOWLS)
Jerk, jerk, jerks!
Now, generally, I'm a dark meat guy,
but when it comes to 'squitoes, you want that sweet yellow meat.
So you're kind of like Quint from Jaws, but for bugs.
Hey, that's what I'm going for.
I got bored making diaphragms
out of the lambskin scraps Yumyulack gives us.
So, now I come down to the lower levels, catch a bug, go back up,
sell its meat at the market.
All this time, you thought you were eating turkey jerky.
But no, that is grade-A mosquito.
Mmm, this is good!
Gotta use all parts of the ski buffalo.
Steaks from the thorax. Netting from the wings.
Check this out. Would you believe this hat used to be a mosquito's head?
You can't fight nature. You gotta learn to live with it.
I think the point of all humanity is that you don't.
Take it from a first gen Wallian, and I've seen it all.
We went from gum boys to the Tim era.
Now we're blessed with mosquito protein.
These disgusting monsters are our future.
This is how we rid ourselves of our reliance on the aliens' candy.
This tastes just like a freshly microwaved Bob Evans.
We gotta to convince Parliament to protect these bugs.
It's the only way the Wall can be in harmony with itself.
(GULPS) Mmm.
God damn it!
Yeah, this is delicious.
(SIGHS) We've had a good run, Maddie.
But this town no longer needs a Civic Responsibility manager.
I can't believe my life's work was to create
the world's first jerk monitoring system.
And now I'll never get to use it.
But now that we're up for top 10 nicest places to live,
there are no more jerks to be monitored.
Do you want me to unplug it?
Please. I can't bear it.
- (BEEPS) - Wait!
The jerks! The jerks are filling up the streets!
No, no! They aren't hiding anymore. The jerks are on the move.
Get me the mayor!
If we don't act now,
here's how many jerks will be out in 10 minutes,
twenty minutes, and in an hour's time, we'll have completely lost our city.
Oh, God! We might be too late.
Kid Rock just announced he's bringing his "Make America Squirt Again" festival
to our town!
- (ALL GASP) - Well, I know what I need to do.
I'm gonna sleep with my mistress in my own bed!
Jerk!
Wow. All this time the mayor was a jerk. That's a political first.
It's up to us now, Maddie.
Nope! It's up to you now. You're fat! Bye!
The town is full of jerks and Parade Magazine is coming today!
- We have to do something before they... - (ENGINE ROARING)
Oh, no!
Oh, God! No!
Hey, Bones Rider.
Man, how long was I asleep?
Those 'squito pupas really knocked me out.
Whoa! What the hell?
Your partner's lost her cool, haircut-head. Untie me.
Hey, psycho! What's with the hostage?
The janitor needed to be taken out of the equation. He'll be fine.
We were his guests. What equation?
"E" equals "kill every mosquito."
What? We can feed the whole Wall.
Anything that could hurt Pezlie needs to be destroyed.
Jesus, Cherie. How many more people have to die
because you have to nuke every threat?
Well, maybe you could start helping with some threats.
- I thought you were a hero. - I've never wanted to be a hero!
That's it. I'm done. I'm going home.
You can't quit! We're partners!
My wife is my partner.
I never should've left her behind.
Fine! Fuck it!
- Go! - Don't you get it?
There's always gonna be another battle. It'll never end!
Then I'll keep fighting!
What's the point of fighting for your family
if you never get to be with your family?
Go home, Cherie. Before you make that baby an orphan.
So this is where we are, huh?
You're just like Tim and the Duke.
You don't know shit about Ringo.
We've been given a blessing, but you're too busy leading to see it.
Liars, always holding on to power with your stupid lies.
No, I got rid of all the liars.
If you think that, then you don't know who's lying to you.
- Oh, shut up. (GRUNTS) - (GROANS)
Hmm... Ugh!
This would be so much easier if this wasn't so delicious.
Okay, Pupa. Let's go get in that town photo.
Now that the three biggest town jerks are locked in our ship,
we can be free to... Ew!
(GASPS)
(CLAMORING)
Listen to this dream I had last night.
It's super long, and you're totally not in it. (SNICKERS)
What's happening?
There's a lot of people around in summer scarves.
Those aliens who turned us into iguanas last year are gone!
We totally deserved it, too. But now the jerks are back, baby!
(HOWLS)
Oh, no! I was wrong!
Korvo, Terry and Yum weren't the problem.
They were the solution!
(SCREAMING) I tried arson but it backfired!
Oh, God, no!
Hey! Emily in Paris!
This is how it'll look in five minutes. In 10 minutes!
I don't have time for this!
God damn it!
That's the silhouette he chose?
(ALL CRYING)
I get it now. I fucking love empathy.
Yes, we've seen soldiers surprising their kids at the airport,
and we double watched Scrooge. It expanded every heart I have.
AISHA: Hold up! Got a message for Yum!
Oh, my God! The town finally needs its moral center.
- Aisha, release us. - I don't think you're ready.
Fam, I was wrong! Jerks have totally taken over.
And only you assholes can save this town.
Come on, Aish, we need to get out!
Come on, sister girl! We're running out of time.
AISHA: Jesus! You fucking aliens get into some stupid shit.
Okay. We can skip to the final test.
I ordered a pizza.
All you gotta do is talk to the delivery guy and get your pizza.
- Okay? - Wow! That's it.
- Easy. Not even hungry. - Also, he's two hours late.
What? Where the fuck's my 'za?
Come on! You guys can do this! As of now, I believe in you.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(SPITS)
Ah! My Teen Titans collector vases.
(SIGHING IMPATIENTLY) Let's get this over with.
Hello, pizza representative?
Yeah, I've got a pizza for Korn, Larry and Hackedy Sack.
Call me by my Christian name!
No, no. Calm your tits, Yumyulack. This can be done.
Thank you.
AISHA: Cute. Now, tip him.
For not doing his job?
Come on! We gotta get out of here. The city needs me.
Uh, does it go any lower than 10%?
No? 10 is the bottom? Of course it is.
We did it. Open the doors.
Give him five stars.
- Fine! - Fuck off!
I can't. A perfect five star-rating means something, damn it.
Okay, if I've learned anything today,
it's that empathy isn't about doing the correct thing.
It's about skipping what makes sense to make someone else feel good.
Come on. What would Scrooge do?
He would think about what other people want
and give them that, because he's actually Santa.
Yes. Wait, what? Did you even watch the movie?
No, I had my eyes closed the whole time. But I remember the poster.
- Yes! - Hell, right!
It's empathy time, motherfuckers! Let's get decent.
(SINGING) What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
(HORN HONKING)
It's the only thing That there's just too little of
What the world needs now
Is love, sweet love
No, not just for some
Oh, but just for
Every, every
Everyone
Oh, my God! I did it!
All the jerks are gone.
Which means, I get to be the only jerk in town!
(LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
What a fucking reveal!
Whoa! Our town looks gorgeous!
Yeah, we empathized the fuck out of this place.
In all my time as a Parade judge,
I have never seen nicer townsfolk.
Surely the top 10 will include the gorgeous city of Geenadavisville.
- Yeah! - Check it out!
I'm giving this fountain a golden shower.
JESSE: Oh, no, this is bad.
Sorry. Please continue.
Oh, my God!
Did you just turn that man into coins?
I love our family pics! Really makes this house a home.
Oh, yes. Every time I walk by this picture,
I'll remember what a total bag of shit that guy was.
Fudge balls! After all that,
I can't believe we didn't get listed in the 10 nicest places to live.
We could've been on the cover!
Nah, son. This cover is way better.
"Town's Moral Center saves everyone's ass."
Oh! One, no. Two, no. Three, no, four!
Four recipes for creamy chowders! Yeah, baby!
- (CHERIE GRUNTS) - (LARVAE SQUEALING)
Ow! No, no!
No, no, no, no!
(GASPING)
Halk! You came back.
- You know me. - (SQUEALS)
Always the hero.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
They're way too many.
The lighter! We can use the fluid.
One...
Two...
(SCREECHING)
- Good teamwork, partner. - (CRACKING)
What was...
- The floor! Run! - (BOTH SCREAMING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)